Thoughts on Teenagers

I love being a parent. From the time my children were first born I have enjoyed almost every minute of being a mom. I know I pulled my hair out from time to time, but for the most part it was very pleasurable. I loved hugging my kids, kissing them, rocking them to sleep, even watching "Sesame Street" with them. But when they were very young I remember more than one well meaning friend or relative telling me to "wait until they're teenagers." They were sure I'd change my feelings about my children once they hit those wild and turbulent years.

Well, today Jonathan is 17 and Rebecca is 15. I'm full-force into the teenage years and I have to admit that I love it. Well, not EVERY minute of the day, but most of it. I still have a close relationship with my kids. I still hug and kiss them (and they let me). I still enjoy just being around them and hearing what's on their minds. I haven't experienced any of the "rebellion" I was promised would come. I guess I'm not out of the woods yet, but from what I see, I can only envision more smooth sailing. I have enjoyed every new stage in my children's lives more than the previous one, and I expect I will continue to.
Here are some things I've realized.

(1) If you expect your children to act like teenagers, they probably will. We told our kids early on that if they wanted to act like children, they would be treated like children. If they wanted to be treated as adults, they should act like it. Acting like a "teenager" was not acceptable at any time. We expect our kids to act like adults, not the typical teenager. For the most part, we've found that most people tend to live up to the expectations placed on them.

(2) As our kids get older we need to give them more freedom. Years ago I read an article in the Milwaukee Journal/Sentinel by a columnist whose name I'll never remember. But she revealed a cultural tendency that has stayed on my mind ever since. She said that we have it all backwards in our culture today, and it leads to teenage rebellion. We give small children all the freedom in the world, allowing them to do whatever they want. As they get older, we tend to rein them in and start limiting their freedoms, which causes them to rebel. This columnist said that, instead, we should give children very little freedom and gradually give them more and more as they get older. Then, they tend not to rebel because they realize they're earning their freedom, instead of having it taken away. We allowed our kids to do very little when they were younger. We homeschooled them. They never went anywhere without us. They had to toe the line every minute. They knew they would be punished for disobeying the rules. Today they still know they'll be punished for disobeying the rules, but that rarely happens. When they disagree with our rules, they don't scream and throw a fit (something they attempted when they were two and found it didn't work well). They write out a very detailed defense of their position and all the reasons why we should change our position. It doesn't work every time, but it does work. We learn how much they've grown up and are assured that they're seeing all sides of the issue. It also gives us the opportunity to discuss things with them and to explain fully our position. You rarely have rebellion when your children feel like they're at least being heard.

(3) The more things change the more they stay the same. When I sit and talk to Jonathan and Rebecca about what's happening in their lives (they both attend the public high school here), I can imagine myself at that age saying the exact same things. I guess a lot of us has rubbed off on them. They tend to think a lot like we do. Their fears are the same ones we had when we were there age. Sometimes parents treat their children like they're aliens. But at the core of their beings, they are just people. If we could just treat them like they count and remember what it was like when we were their age, we'd find that the generation gap is really non-existent. We don't have to like the same music or have the same taste in clothing, but those aren't the things we talk about anyway. The things that really count pull us together and make us appreciate one another.