On Suffering and Healing

The month of July was a brand new experience for me. At the end of our vacation in June, I took a misstep off a curb in San Diego and, apparently, hurt my back. I thought nothing of it at the time, but the next morning I had great difficulty walking. The pain increased over the next couple days until I finally asked Dan to take me to an urgent care center in Las Vegas. They gave me enough medication to get me home.

Most of you have already heard the rest of the story. An MRI showed a ruptured disc, a disc that has a tear, 3 bulging disks (two with central bulging in contact with the spinal cord). It appears that there may be a free-floating fragment of disc from the ruptured disc. The contents of that disc are pressing on the sciatic nerve, which caused excruciating pain to radiate down my leg. I spent the better part of the month of July lying in bed in pain, just waiting for the next pain pill (Percocet).

The pain was probably the most intense I have ever felt in my life. After the first week, I told Dan and the kids to just take me out and shoot me. It was the first time I was ever able to truly understand why people with debilitating illnesses would contemplate suicide. Not that I ever considered it. But I understood it. All of a sudden I felt a tremendous repect and admiration for those who persevere through years of pain. I wondered how they could possibly do it. That's when I realized I'm a wimp. I always thought I had a pretty good tolerance for pain. But I learned that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. And I wondered how I would possibly last if the pain persisted for more than a couple more days.

But here I am. Six weeks after the onset of pain. And I feel great. I spent all last week in meetings in Indianapolis. The discomfort was minimal. I marveled because I knew it was only because of the hand of God on my life. I knew HE was working to make me well so I could do His work.

But I also have a lot of questions about healing. I read Jim Garlow's new book on healing this week and I must say I don't agree with him on every area. Is it always God's will to heal? Does He heal according to our timetable or His? Does God ever cause sickness or injury in order to teach us or to discipline us? My foray with pain and suffering, albeit short-lived, was valuable to me. I learned patience. I learned to depend on God. I learned to simply rest in Him. I learned that there were people (even church people) who loved me even when I couldn't "perform." I find myself (now) glad that God gave me the privilege of learning these lessons the only way I could have -- by undergoing a period of suffering.

I have no idea what lies ahead of me. But I do know that God will use every situation to draw me closer to Him and to make me more like Him.